112 - The Probum with Book Lernin - By Guvuner Ron Duh-Santis

Look, America, if the way we learned history back in the day, was good enough for your granpappy, if it was good enough for me, then dang it, it's good enough for you!

The probum with all this new-fangled LERNIN and stuff - people tryna teach you things that actually happened back in the past and stuff, is that you gonna end up learnin stuff that you jus' don't wanna know! I mean, seriously, you jus' don't wanna know it, so you shouldn't have to. And now I'm gonna protect your freedom here, your freedom to not know stuff!

So, here's my proposal for colleges: Stop teachin' bad stuff! 

By bad stuff, I mean stuff that people don't wanna know! You know, like that slavery was as bad as it actually was. Jus' don't teach that. People don't wanna know that bad stuff, you know?

Just teach the basic stuff, like that everything was better in the past. That's what you should be teachin. Teach people that since everything was better in the past, then we can cheer and feel good about everything today.

Besides, teachin' bad history isn't gonna have any affect on what happens today. you know, 'cuz it's so long ago. Stuff that happened so long ago don't have any bearing on what happens today. At least that's what I think, and if I can think it, you can too!

Now, let's look at this here A.P. Black history course that I cancelled. That course was WOKE!

Now, you all know what I mean when I use that word WOKE! Right? I mean, I have no idea what WOKE is, but I know it's bad, so I can just call stuff WOKE and everyone knows that stuff is bad! WOKEY POKEY DOKEY?

What stuff is WOKE? Anything that teaches history that was bad. I mean, sure bad stuff happened in the past, but that doesn't mean we should KNOW it! Cuz, you know, everything was better in the past, at least in the past that I know about.

So...I've decided what colleges and universities can teach.

Now, some people come up to me and they say, "Hey, Guv! There's experts at these places, experts who know more than anyone else about certian things. Experts gotta be allowed to teach what they know!"

Ridiculous!

Experts are WOKE!

Experts are people who have an agenda.

What is their agenda? 

To TEACH you stuff!

Ridiculous!

Woke!

No more!

No more teachin stuff.

AND...I'm banning books! All of them! No more readin'! Why do people read, anyway? readin' is WEIRD! All the books I've banned are weird books. No more!

And don't question what you're taught. Just believe it, like I do. That way you can be jus like everyone else...NORMAL! 

Be the same as everyone else. If everyone else can be normal and the same, and not have have any weird thoughts in their head, then you can do it too!

I'm here to protect your RIGHTS! Protect your rights to not know stuff. Protect your rights to not be subjected to the information taught by the WOKE MOB! Protect your rights to only know the history that I know about!

Stay normal America!

Be the same as everyone else!

Stop tryna be smart and weird, you weird readin' weirdos!

Peter Wick

February 14, 2023

111 - The Future of True Facts

The Science Professor finished making a few notes in his notebook, and looked up to see his 4pm appointment, a student named Mick, walk in the door of his office and sit down in the chair opposite him.

“Hello, Mick,” the professor said.

“Hi.”

Mick looked sideways at the professor and inhaled. “I need a better grade in this class,” he said.

The professor looked across at Mick. He cleared his throat. “Well,” he began, “there’s a perfectly simple way to bring your grade up. You know what it is. You’ve missed four assignments.”

“I can’t do the assignments,” Mick said. “They cause me anxiety.”

The professor did not say anything for a moment.

Mick continued. “Also,” he said, “you said I was wrong when I wrote that the air we breathe contains pixie dust.”

“Yes,” the professor replied. “I said you were wrong. Our air does not contain pixie dust.”

“You’re discriminating against my most personal beliefs,” Mick said.

The professor stood up and walked behind his desk.

“Mick, this is a science class. Science contains facts. We can very clearly measure exactly what elements are in the air we breathe.”

“You’re discriminating against my beliefs,” Mick repeated. “I believe with all my heart and soul that the air we breathe contains pixie dust.”

“Mick,” the professor said. He stopped. He dropped his head. He continued. “You signed up for this class in order to learn the things that I can teach you.”

“No – “ Mick interrupted.

“No?” the professor asked.

“I signed up for this class because I need this credit. I don’t want you to indoctrinate me with your elitist propaganda.”

“Elitist propa – “ the professor half-laughed. “This is science – “

“And I need you to stop teaching science as if it is facts.”

“Mick! Where did you get the idea that you can tell me what to teach? I’m the teacher. You’re the student.”

“You’re being discriminatory,” Mick said. “You teach things that cause me anxiety. I believe air contains pixie dust, and if you tell me I’m wrong, you’re cancelling my freedom of speech.”

“Mick!”

The professor looked down at his desk and shook his head. “Mick, look I’m sorry about being argumentative. It’s just that we have scientific tools that measure the air we breathe. It contains Oxygen, Nitrogen, carbon dioxide – “

“And, in my opinion, pixie dust,” Mick said.

“Opinion…there’s no opinion about it.”

“Now you’re being pixie-dust-phobic,” Mick said. “You’re being critical of me for having beliefs that don’t match with yours.”

The professor sat down at his desk and stared at the papers.

Mick continued. “I’m circulating a petition.”

“A petition?”

“A petition to have you fired for so many reasons; for causing your students so much anxiety, with the assignments and the learning so-called ‘facts,’ for being pixie-dust-phobic, for discriminating against the personal beliefs of your students.”

“Mick, this institution will never fire me for teaching science accurately. I’m sorry I couldn’t help you today. Have a good day.”

A week later the professor was fired. Mick had won.

Later in life Mick would become famous for his theory that Democrats are actually laboratory-engineered mutant yaks, designed to take over the world in their fake human form. Yes, there were those who thought Mick was an absurd clown, but Mick campaigned with fervent belief, and so the people eventually came around to his way of thinking.

Then, when he failed to become elected President, half of the voting public believed him when he said the election was stolen by alien space satellites that infect people’s brains, and force them to accidentally vote for the wrong person…

Peter Wick

January 14, 2023

110 - Craig interviews me about How To Confuse A.I.

 I first met Craig Joyce when he was 11. I think I was 14 at the time. We’ve known each other for so long, we can sometimes finish each other’s sentences.

Craig is an odd person. I know, that’s a weird thing to say about an old friend, but he, of all people, completely agrees with that.

Craig has written extensively about the Seattle/Grunge music scene, and has occasionally helped me out editorially with Azzurri Publishing. He came by recently to ask me a few questions about my recent book, How To Confuse A.I.

The following is what Craig himself sent me after the interview. We talked for a lot longer than this. I didn’t have any editorial input. I’m just posting what he decided to include. -P.W.

 

Craig: Peter Wick, how is the publishing and movie-making going?

Peter: That’s a pretty broad question to start with, Craig.

Craig: Are you ducking the question?

Peter: No. things are going okay. I could imagine them going a little better, but that’s probably always the case with anything in life.

Craig: Tell me about the inspiration for ‘How To Confuse A.I.’

Peter: Okay, well, it starts with “Dr, Strangelove.”

Craig: The 1960’s Stanley Kubrick film.

Peter: Yes, it’s a satire, a brilliantly funny satire. Most of the kids these days probably don’t know anything about Dr. Strangelove, but they should check it out. They probably just think I’m getting the name of Dr. Strange, from Marvel, wrong.

Craig: It had Peter Sellers in three roles –

Peter: Yeah, and it finds hilarious comedy in accidental nuclear war.

Craig: I remember finding it a little bit disturbing.

Peter: Well, yeah, if you find comically accidental nuclear annihilation disturbing –

Craig: I do.

Peter: But the point is, it’s sort of the ultimate, the most brilliant and funny satire of all time.

Craig:  And what connection does it have to How To confuse A.I.?

Peter: I just always emulated that approach to comedy. I always wanted to channel that approach, that biting satire to something.

Craig: So, 50 years in the future –

Peter: Yes, these tech guys, these billionaires, and what I consider this almost religious level of hyperventilating about technology – what’s the next big thing? How will technology save humanity this time?

Craig: You wanted to satirize that.

Peter: I did. So, I just projected these tech elements we’re living with, fifty years into the future, and went with it.

Craig: Who exactly are you satirizing?

Peter: Do you mean which billionaires?

Craig: Yes.

Peter: Well, I think it’s pretty obvious.

Craig: You have a character named Tyrell Elon Zuzerzos.

Peter: Yep.

Craig: Tyrell is from –

Peter: Blade Runner.

Craig: The 1982 Ridley Scott film.

Peter: Yeah, and the sequel, 2049. The Tyrell Corporation makes the Replicants, the simulated humans.

Craig: Then the name Elon –

Peter: Yes, and?

Craig: Elon Musk?

Peter: Look, I don’t want to be sued. But, yes, and the courts generally protect satire and parody. But, yes, Elon Chief Twit Musk.

Craig: And Zuzerzos.

Peter: So, the idea is simply that if you take Jeff Bezos, or Amazon’s Alexa, plus Musk’s Neuralink, plus Zuckerberg’s Metaverse, and give them a combined fifty-year evolution, you might see where I imagined the Simu-Network.

Craig: Where the robots are indistinguishable from humans.

Peter: They live among us.

Craig: And everything is connected?

Peter: Yes, there are no devices anymore. Everything is either inside you or attached to you.

Craig: You have an element of the story concerned with Bio-Wars, viruses and diseases.  Was part of the story influenced by the COVID pandemic?

Peter: Absolutely. I mean, sitting in the middle of the pandemic, where everyone was suddenly working remotely, where all these meetings happened over zoom instead of in person. That lifestyle, combined with the simple reality of a worldwide pandemic, that answered a question for me in the overall story structure. The possibility of this on an even larger scale gave me an option to create fear. You know, there’s that sort of villain out there, The Others.

Craig: Is there anything else you’re targeting for satire here?

Peter: Oh probably, I don’t know. I mean, the surveillance state of China, maybe. The way they have no limits on how much the government can invade privacy, that certainly found its way in. I don’t mean I’m satirizing China. I mean, imagine that level of surveillance happening in the western world, and people accepting it because of that fear.

Craig: The way you describe it, it doesn’t sound very funny.

Peter: (laughs) Well, Dr, Strangelove, and accidental nuclear war probably doesn’t sound very funny.

Craig: And how do you convince readers to check out the book?

Peter: Well, it is funny. I’m very proud of it. It got a 5-star review from Readers Favorite.

Craig: Any final thoughts or comments you would like people to know?

Peter: You know, I’ve become more open to all the unpredictable ways people respond to things these days. I might have my own opinion about this thing I wrote, or that movie I made, but people vote with their three dollars. I appreciate any three dollars anyone spends on something of mine, but I’m sometimes surprised what people respond to, and on the other hand what they don’t respond to. I just want people to give this book a look.

Craig: What things are people responding to?  What are your most popular books and movies?

Peter: I’d probably have to say that right now, the book, “The Past Is Going To Suck,” currently has the most readers.

Craig: Currently?

Peter: I mean, it’s been out for about four years. The Key West books go back almost ten years now. Over their history they’ve sold more copies.

Craig: And movies?

Peter: The first one, surprisingly.

Craig: That would be Long Strange Trip.

Peter: Yes, these things go in cycles. For a while around 2014, 2015, thousands of people were watching the second one, Movie Pizza Love on youtube. Now, Long Strange Trip, this old 1990’s thing, shot on film, gritty, low budget, suffers from the low budget in places. I’ve been getting paid for it by Amazon these last couple years. People are actually watching it more than something I might personally consider a better movie.

Craig: Do you care to say which movie you mean? Which one do you consider a better movie?

Peter: I’m not going to say. People can find my stuff. I want to focus on this new book, How To Confuse A.I.

Craig: Thanks for your time, Peter.

Peter: Good to see you, Craig. Say hi to Smitty for me.

Peter Wick (and Craig Joyce)

November 11. 2022

109 - House of Game of Dragon Throne Mandalorians

 The writers room was full.

Zack Thorington, Producer, Director, Billionaire, sat at the head of the table. He cleared his throat. Slowly those present stopped talking and took a seat.

"Alright," he said, "we have a 5 series deal. We have cross-over deals with both HBO and Disney. What do you have for me?"

Heads turned in all directions.

A moment's pause.

"Dragons..." Gary Snyder said darmattically, "Versus The Hulk."

"Okay, that's a start. Tell me more," Thorington demanded.

"Alright you have dragons flying around destroying things, and who comes to save the village? The Hulk."

"But - " Ellen Mayfield jumped in from the far end of the table, "Boba Fett is visiting the village, and he and The Mandalorian, and Grogu think The Hulk is going about this all wrong, so they...um..."

"Get Black Pantrher involved - "

"Because this is Wakanda, but Wakanda on another planet millions of years ago -"

"But actually it's Earth millions of years ago, in a different age, and thanks to acccidental time travel, The Avengers - "

"And The Justice League - "

"And The Guardians of The Galaxy -"

"Are all there."

Zack Thorington cleared his throat and shifted in his chair. He turned to Gary Snyder. "Which side are the dragons on, again?" He asked.

"I - uh - I don't know," Snyder said sheepishly. "I lost track. Does it matter?"

"No," laughed Thorington. "No, it doesn't. Good work everyone, Let's split you up into two different teams. Half of you will create the spin-off series. There's a lot of money to be squeezed out of this. Okay, let's get to work."

Peter Wick

Octover 15, 2022

108 - The Lost Soccer Project

 I will be sharing a video at the bottom of this post, from 1998. This story begins four years earlier, though in 1994. I know, I have young readers. Some of you are 18 years old, and were not even alive in the 1990's. It's okay. This is my story and I am owning it. We'll find a way to deal with each other's different ages sometime later.

I made my first low budget feature film in the 1990's - shot in '97, it is listed as a 1999 film (Long Strange Trip, or The Writer, The Naked Girl, blah blah blah) because of the extra year it took to get it out in front of audiences. It's on Amazon. I keep being amazed that it still finds viewers (do they understand that the low budget means we had to shoot with an old 16mm camera that sometimes ate film, meaning we lost whole takes to a faulty film magazine?)

I was working on another project in the 90's though - actually I had a few other came-and-went projects. This one was a documentary. It was going to start as a book, inspired by George Plimpton's "Paper Lion."

Plimpton spent an NFL preseason training camp with the Detroit Lions, and wrote about it. It's a fascinating book. I wanted to replicate the concept with soccer.

But let's back up a little bit.

The USA hosted the 1994 world Cup. I loved everything about it. As an amateur socccer player myself, I couldn't get enough. Even better, the new league - MLS, or Major League Soccer - had announced a kick-off date in the Spring of 1995. Living in L.A. at the time, I was intrigued by the announcement of open tryouts for the league in L.A. that December. I started working out seriously. I wanted to be in my best shape. I knew I would not make it to an official professional roster, but I felt confident that I could go far enough to have something interesting to write about.

I was sure my George Plimpton moment was about to happen.

Then, about a month before the tryouts were to happen, MLS cancelled everything. The tryouts were called off. the league's debut was postponed by a full year, to Spring of 1996. It knocked the air out of my sails.

That next summer - 1995 - I moved back to my home town of Seattle.

As 1995 ended I felt a sense ot missed opportunity. I knew open tryouts were happening back in L.A. and I had no way of participating. The itch...ITCHED!

This is why, in March of 1996, when I saw a little notice in the local Seattle newspaper, that local lower-division team, Seattle Sounders, was having open tryouts that Saturday, I jumped at the chance. I didn't even know what to expect from it. It wasn't MLS, but as defending champions of what was then "The A-League," and still a month before MLS would kick-off, The Sounders were technically the top team in the country.

I wrote about this day as a Sounder here. I'm realize now that I'm repeating myself a little, so I'm moving on the video.

Two years after the Sounders tryout, the itch was still itching. My friend Smitty shot this little video of me during the 1998 World Cup.

By the way, one of the winners of that World Cup, French defender Frank Leboeuf, ended up on a field opposite me nearly a decade later. Then 40 years old, he was in L.A. studying acting, while playing recreationally for a team called Hollywood United. He shut me down pretty convincingly. Seemed to know every move I was going to make before I made it. Being shut down by a World Cup winner is one of my proudest moments in soccer.

As I sit here, nursing a slightly sprained ankle from playing recently, I realize it's time to shut up. No more nostalgia. The lost soccer project is relegated to that bin of history where so many lost creative projects go. 

Or is it?

Enjoy the video:

Peter Wick

September 14, 2022

107 - The New Science Review (from 1992)

 NOTE: I have boxes and boxes of old stuff sittting around here. Every once in a while I rediscover the urge to dig through some old stuff and see if there is anything that does not make me want to vomit, and then disown my younger self. Occasionally I read something I wrote back in the day, and kind of like it. This is dated, for sure. Some of you readers - if I read my analytics properly - were not even born in 1992. You never had the chance to see TV commercials featuring claymation raisins singing, "I Heard it Through the Grapevine." For what it's worth, this little thing I knocked off sometime in my 20s, feels like something I still want to claim ownership of. You know where I am if you disagree.-PW

The New Science Review

After strong urging by my closest friends (others might refer to it as 'severe taunting') I finally admitted, recently, my scientific incompetence. The circumstances leading up their urging need not be spelled out in detail. In short, they involve a certain amount of nitro glycerin and a now-defunct sewage system I absent-mindedly flushed it down.

The urging was strong, though, so I swallowed my pride (choking on it at first, but finally washing it down with a banana smoothie) and purchased the current issues of several science-related magazines.

I was stunned, not by the wealth of knowledge contained in these magazines, but by the journalistic desperation which these rags pass off as science.

To offer an idea of what I found, I have complied a Table of Contents loosely similar to them all:

1. Inside Every Fat Man - pg. 9

Two M.I.T. researchers finally disprove the old saying, "Inside every fat man is a thin one trying to get out." their eveidence shows that inside only 60% of fat men is a thin one trying to get out. Inside 30% of fat men is an equally fat man just trying to sit still, and inside one fat man in ten is a small marmot trying to butter toast.

2. Consequences of The Greenhouse Effect - pg. 27

A new report reveals startling ramifications of The Greenhouse Effect. Of urgent interest is the newly discovered "Woodshed Effect." Has the world been overpopulated by men wearing hunting jackets and John Deere golf caps? How will this affect you and I?

3. The Whole Mind - pg.35

New Age scientists reveal secrets of the brain's hidden power, focusing on a corner of the right lobe which, if used properly, can alter physical reality. Also discussed is a small spot in the left lobe which is more limited in its potential, but which still, when applied properly, can turn a tennis shoe into Richard Gere's laundry instructions.

4. The Essence of Matter - Pg. 47

Theoretical Physicist, Max Englespegle, takes several everyday objects, breaks them down into their most basic elements and, taking advantage of their vulnerable state, attacks them viciously with kitchen knives. The Editors intervene and pull him off, rushing the elements to the lab where those that survive are held for questioning.

5. A Third Form of Atomic Power - pg. 51

After decades debating the safety of 'Fision' - the controversial process of splitting atoms - and current research into 'Fusion' - the cleaner process of bonding atoms together - scientists have discovered yet another form of atomic powere. It is called 'Lesion.' This is the simple process of setting two atoms near each other until one of them strikes up a conversation. Admittedly it has failed to produce substantial amounts of energy, but on at least two occasions it has resulted in the creation of atom families with tiny atom babies.

6. Space Travel and The Future - pg. 71

An insightful discussion of both space travel AND the future. Includes special pull-out map showing where space is, and when the future is likely to arrive.

7. The Worth of Scientific Accomplishments - pg. 83

Our staff interviews three dozen distinguished scientists about the degree of satisfaction they get from their work. Results indicate that while science is generally rewarding, it does match the thrill of seeing raisins come to life and sing Marvin Gaye songs.

8. Science scores its biggest success yet - pg. 86

Modern science may still be baffled by cancer. It is still stumped by the Aids Virus. But science has, at long last, triumphed over static cling. We look back at the heroes of this battle, and recall some of the forgotten victims, such as Harold Rassmussen, a scientist in the 1950s who died while trying to pull two socks apart in the shower.

9. Final Word - pg. 93

Our Editor takes a humorous look at single cell structures, poking sarcastic barbs at their inability to breakdance or play the game of Twister.

Peter Wick

July 14, 2022 (or sometime in the early 90s)

106 - George Washington visits Donald Trump

It was a bright magically sunny day out on the Mar-a-lago golf course. Donald Trump was driving the cart from the tee out to the muddy swamp where he had hit his ball. Senator Lindsey Graham had also hit his ball in this direction, a little less distastrously, though, landing it nicely on the fairway. So, of course Trump claimed Senator Graham's ball as his own and stopped the cart.

Something strange was happening though. The bright sun was turning bizarre colors. There were purples, blues, oranges swirling around Donald Trump. Suddenly he was by himself and Senator Graham was nowhere to be seen.

Trump shrugged and settled in behind Graham's ball. He practiced his swing a couple times, and prepared to hit.

Something stopped him.

"Hello Donald."

The voice came from some nearby trees. Trump looked up, puzzled, as George Washington stepped out from behind a tree and tipped his tri-cornered hat.

"Is it...is it you? George Washington?" Trump stammered.

"Yes," Washington answered.

"Wow! what an honor!" Trump was smiling broadly. Washington was not smiling. "You know," Trump continued, "most people don't know, you were a Republican. People don't know that."

"No," Washington corrected, "I was not a Republican. That was Lincoln. I was against any and all political parties. there were no Republicans when I was in office.

Trump blinked angrily. "Maybe you need to go back and check," he said. "It's just a fact that you were a Republican."

"I warned the other guys, you know, Jefferson, Madison, that whole crowd, against the whole idea of political parties. I knew nothing good would ever come from them."

"Actually..." the corners of Trump's mouth were twitching. "Actually, You're wrong," Trump said. "You were totally a Republican."

A stony silence passed between the two men. Eventually Washington cleared his throat and said, "You lost the 2020 election."

A rumble passed through Trump's body the way a ball of digestive gas rumbles through...well, through Trump's body.

"Hey, didn't you own slaves?" Trump shouted.

"I emancipated them all," Washington said defensively.

"Slave-ownin' George," Trump cackled. "You better not try to run again. When I put a label on someone it tends to stick. Just ask Lyin' Ted Cruz."

Washington cleared his throat again and straightened up. "You lost the election fair and square, and if you want to have any political legacy, you have to admit this and tell the truth."

"I always tell the truth," Trump said dismissively. "That's why my new social network is called Truth Social."

"Have you heard that little story about me?" Washington asked calmly. "It's about an apple tree. The punch line is, I cannot tell a lie."

"Oh, ha! you're lyin' about it now. Everyone lies. I know you made up that story. Maybe I'll switch to 'Lyin' George Washington.' Has a nice ring to it" Trump brought his attention back to the Lindsey Graham's golf ball, and tried a couple practice swings.

"That's Senator Graham's ball," Washington said, matter-of-factly.

"Graham's ball? What are you, blind? His ball is over there in the mud. Everyone saw him hit it there. What a loser!"

George Washington looked down solemnly. He shook his head. Slowly he turned back toward the tree he had stepped from behind. He walked toward it. He turned back to take one last look at Trump, just as Trump sliced the ball sideways into a lake. Trump laughed and returned to the cart, driving it straight toward the green, where he grabbed a ball from his bag and tossed it near the cup.

Washington disappeared behind the trees.

Donald Trump was never seen again. He didn't mind, He lived forever in a magical purple blue orange golf wonderland. He was happy.

And so was the rest of the world.

Peter Wick

June 14, 2022