NOTE: I am calling this a blast-from-the-past post, because it was originally written in the early 1990s, and originally published in the now-defunct magazine, Feminist Baseball. This was a magazine published and edited by my friend Smitty (AKA Jeffrey Smith, AKA Jo Smitty). It ran from the mid 80s to the early 2000s, and there was a period of time in there, when he made enough money to live on from this little 'Zine'. Several issues are archived at the Seattle Public Library 'Zine Archive,' kept at the downtown Seattle branch of the library. I have visited this archive - they are missing some of the issues, but when I showed a picture I took to Smitty he said, "Wow! They have more issues than I still have." There is not currently any existing online archive of the magazine. Maybe that is a project for sometime down the road. (P.W.)
RESORTS INTERSPATIAL'S ENCAHNTED VACATION BONANZA!
Dear vacation lover;
You have been selected to sample Resorts Interspatial's most exciting vacation package ever.
As a member in good standing, and one who has fallen for our many scams in the past, you have been selected specifically from thousands of potential vacationers. If you enjoyed our seven-day campout in the lobby of the New York Stock Exchange, or the fourteen month hike through Siberia, you'll love our newest offer; an entire month in an authentic enchanted land. Impossible, you say? "Impossible" is not in our vocabulary. Neither is 'Fleurdellis," but that's another matter.
The amount you spend for another boring week at a seaside resort trapped in reality will pay for an entire month in the enchanted land of Gar (or longer, if you wish, as time is relative there) bringing you face to face with the countless pleasures that await you in a land of enchantment.
You may be transformed into a dragon-slaying hero by Galfen The Magnificent, or changed into a slain dragon, by Bobbin The Confused.
You and your family may set out on a five-day wilderness trek, hunting for mythical beasts, at the end of which Thagnor The Magic Healer will be happy to bring all slain family members back to life.
Anything is possible in the Enchanted Land of Gar.
The trip begins with a simple phone call. Resorts Interspatial offers the cheapest vacation packages nationwide and adds special discounts to its enchanted travel packages. Once in flight you will enjoy the comfort of TransWestern Airlines extra leg room and cordial service. your plane will travel at an altitude of 15,000 feet until crossing into enchanted airspace, where altitude ceases to be a measurement of distance from the Earth and instead become a smooth, golden beverage.
First class passengers will be served a complimentary glass of altitude. Coach passengers, on the other hand, will have to sneak glances down the aisle and salivate quietly.
After the plane touches down softly, on a runway of marigolds, passengers will disembark and claim their luggage.
Each person will be assigned an Elf, who will lead him or her personally to one of the many splendid hotels placed throughout Gar. (Pay no attention to the comment in your brochure about Elves being lazy hoodlums who like to pour mead on arriving tourists. This is a typographical error. It ought to have said they are overbearing busy-bodies who frequently rub tartar sauce in tourists hair.)
Certain hotels are no more than hour's walk from the airport. Others are an invigorating three-day trek through the forest. What's more, most Elves speak no English, so it is an exciting mystery to guess where yours is taking you and how far you must walk before arriving.
Only a few tourists have remained missing in the forest, failing to arrive at any of our lovely hotels, but we are forced to assume that they brought on their own deaths by rudely weighing down their Elves with luggage, not leaving them free to ward off evil swordsmen. The forest, alas, is no place for callous behavior toward your Elf.
Once at the hotel your Elf will carelessly dump your luggage on the bed. He will then lead you downstairs to the rustic old beer joint, there to keep you up all night, singing annoying songs with his wrinkled friends about ancient journeys in which they hiked for eighteen years non-stop to retrieve a ring or a magic sword, or maybe just a pair of shorts.
The party will wind down around 5am and you will stumble off to bed for a solid half hour of sleep.
At 5:30, when your Elf drags you out from under the covers, barking at you to get ready for your five-day beast hunt, your initial reaction will not be to kill beasts, but to kill your Elf. This is natural. It is, however, an impulse which should be resisted. Many who have done this in the past have later found their families turned to salt.
On the other hand, many who have gone along on the beast hunt have cracked up in the woods and killed their Elf anyway, so it's really up to you.
There are several rules to beast hunting which you should know ahead of time:
1. Take a weapon along. Beasts, both mythical and real, have a significant strength advantage in hand to hand combat.
2. Always remain quiet, except when being torn in half.
3. Learn to distinguish between mythical beasts and real beasts. Mythical beasts are the more prestigious and challenging kill, but they don't cook up well for dinner. You will eat and eat but get no real food value. Real beasts, on the other hand, are just brimming with protein.
4. Do not stand around arguing with an evil swordsman over who killed a particular beast. If he says he killed it, he killed it. Just nod your head and run.
5. If, once you are out in the forest, you do break down and kill our Elf, suddenly realizing that you have no idea where you are, do not panic. Lay your dead Elf on his side and spin him three times while chanting the names of your Great Aunts. A dead Elf will always face due East after such a spinning.
When and if you make your way back to the airport, you are free to leave at any time, unless the Dark Lord has gained control of the airfield again. If this is the case you may have to wait three to five months for the Forces Of Good to wage battle and regain the landing strip.
This, however, may be the most exciting moment of your entire trip. Daredevil heroics and dazzling magic make enchanted battles some of the most fascinating anywhere.
In fact, you yourself may be recruited into the Army.
After the battle has been won, you may board your plane and re-enter reality, refreshed and invigorated.
Call your Resorts Interspatial travel agent today. this offer won't last long.
And remember, if you haven't been to Gar, you haven't seen enchantment.
Peter Wick
May 14, 2025
