Scene: A secret planning headquarters in the underground bunker beneath the White House.
Those present: President Donald Trump, Infectious disease expert Anthony Fauci, Radio host Rush Limbaugh, former game show host Chuck Woolery, Fox news host Sean Hannity.
Trump: Okay, everyone, let's get this meeting started. Question one: Can we nuke the virus?
Hannity: How would we nuke it, Mr. President?
Trump: Easy! Lure the virus into a room. Make up a story about sick people who want to get infected. Get the virus in there, then NUKE IT!
Hannity: Wouldn't that also blow up the whole house?
Fauci: The whole city!? Multiple states?
Trump: Fauci, you're not a nuclear expert. This is above your pay grade! Guys, you've got to think boldly!
Hannity: I just don't think we should be setting off nuclear weapons against a virus, Mr. President.
Fauci (to Hannity): Since when did YOU become the voice of reason?
Limbaugh: No one has any guts these days!
Trump: So true, Rush. So true. See guys, that's why I gave him the medal at the State of The Union.
Limbaugh: We need to be more like the Donner party. You've heard of the Donner Party?
Trump: Of course, that's where Jeffrey Epstein and I -
Limbaugh: Different Donner party, Mr. President! Different party entirely.
Trump: There were two?
Limbaugh: The Donner Party, back in the old west days. They were trying to get to California by wagon train. They made the mistake of going during Winter. They got stuck in the mountains, no food, nothing!
Trump: Wow! No one's ever heard of this before, Rush. What happened?
Limbaugh: They ate each other. They turned to cannibalism.
Woolery: Didn't they all die?
Limbaugh: Half of them. Half survived! They adapted! they didn't complain. THEY ADAPTED!
Fauci: So, you're solution is for half of the country to die, while the other half eats them?
Limbaugh: Adapt! ADAPT! We're AMERICANS!
Trump: That was great, Rush. You've got to start replacing Fauci as my number one voice on this.
Woolery: We're all overreacting, Mr. President. This whole virus thing is a media hoax. There is no virus. the media is in on the Deep State.
Fauci: What would anyone get out of making up a virus and hundreds of thousands of deaths?
Trump: Fauci, you're a smart guy, but you're way too into facts.
Fauci: I'm a scientist. Science is nothing without facts.
Trump: Exactly! Science is nothing without facts!
Fauci: You agree?
Trump: I DO! So....what is the solution?
-They all look at each other, confused and afraid to answer the question-
Trump: GET RID OF THE FACTS!
Trump: If science is nothing without facts, we get rid of facts. Then...SCIENCE IS NOTHING! WE WIN!
Woolery: You're an amazing man, Mr. President.
Trump: Okay, let's get on this. Fauci, I want you to force all testing of the virus to stop.
Trump: No more testing. If there isn't any testing, there won't be any more disease!
Fauci: It doesn't work that way. Imagine shutting down cancer screenings!
Trump: Great idea! Shut down all cancer screenings too. I just cured cancer! Hannity, go on the air and start touting Limbaugh's cannibalism cure! You're all great people! Well, not you Fauci. Thanks for coming. Let's go, gentlemen! We have an invisible enemy to defeat! Oh, and that reminds me, We have to mobilize the military also.
Fauci: The military, to do what, exactly?
Trump: Tanks, Fauci! Tanks! This virus is no match for the power of the Unites States military! Once it gets a good look at some of the state of the art tanks we have, it'll go running! Let's go, let's go, let's go! We're winning! let's go win this damn thing!
July 14, 2020