I don't really want to write about politics. Politics is a trap.
I DO, however, want to make fun of politicians as much as I possibly can, and in the process, help you, my dear reader, find some small sliver of sanity in what is shaping up to be a mostly insane upcoming year of politics.
First, let's identify what the problem is; I don't think it's a stretch to say that nearly all of us, on all sides of the political landscape, share one response....shaking our heads in disbelief at something we just heard a politician say.
We drop our jaws a little, twist our heads sideways, try to find the right balance between anger and laughter, and look at whoever else is nearby, to see if they are as bewildered as you are.
There is a uniquely preposterous tone of voice used by the candidate running for office. Politicians say things that no one in any other facet of life will say. The only way, I feel, to find balance and perspective is to imagine that the person saying the preposterous things, is someone - or something - else entirely.
A few examples (on opposite sides of the political divide);
Whenever Bernie Sanders speaks, imagine that is is KFC icon, Colonel Sanders.
When Donald Trump pontificates, imagine all the same words coming from the mouth of Donald Duck.
Hilary Clinton?....George Clinton (of Parliament Funkadelic).
Jeb Bush?.....Jed Clampit (from Beverly Hillbillies).
This is a start. This will at least allow you to fall asleep at night replaying a more entertaining version of the news than you otherwise would have.
Next, we need to add wrestling to political debates. There's just no alternative. These people need to stop talking, creating 'spin,' blabbering on and on without really saying anything....and...they need to.......fight!
You might expect Trump and Sanders to win that one, but something unexpected is bound to happen. One of the lesser candidates will emerge as an unexpected bad-ass. One of the bigger candidates will be exposed as a wimp.
Wrestling......add it to all future political debates......Do it America!
Finally, since Donald Trump has completed the crossover form 'reality' TV to political candidate, I think we need to go the other direction, and turn the primaries into one long episodes of "Survivor."
Instead of having primaries and caucuses, we should helicopter all of the candidates to a remote deserted island, and let them figure out how to survive on their own. They will have to create alliances and enemies, Each month they will have to vote one candidate off of the island. Whoever is left at the end becomes President.
Wait.......No, check that.....Let's just leave that person on the island and never go back.
October 15, 2015