Our President...let me just say that one more time...OUR PRESIDENT has asked his supporters to "Cheat Like Hell" in the upcoming midterm elections in order to save the Republican majority in both houses of congress.
In addition to asking everyone to cheat, he has come out this past week with a promise to give everyone in the country $5,000, directly into their pocket.
Cheating and free money! Politics has never been so respectable!
We here at the Gazzette have received an exclusive read-out from internal white house meetings when some of these ideas were first tosssed around.
Prez: What can we do, guys? We have to win the upcoming midterms.
S.Miller: We shoot eveyone who isn't a Republcan.
N.Harp: Stephen, no.
Hegseth: We bomb Iran to smithereeens.
Prez: We tried that, Pete. I'm bored with bombing.
S.Miller: I know, we can BRIBE the American people.
Prez: Good, good, I like that. give me more. Details. Give me details.
N. Harp: Mr. Prez, I can already tell you the bribe idea is going to go over FANTASTIC (prints out a poll result, hands it to the President)
Hegseth: How do you get those so fast
N.Harp: (Quietly under her breath) Elves, working in the White House basement.
(Hegseth nods in understanding)
Prez: Ok, we bribe the Aerican people, $5,000 each. Can we actually do that?
S.Miller: Does it matter? We don't actually have to do it. We just have to con the voters into voting for us. Afterwards we have lots of ways too explain why the money will never come.
Prez: Great! Let's move on that. I'll make the announcement tonight at the convention. Cheat like hell! people Cheat like hell! America is TOO IMPORTANT to trust to the voters. Let's get out there and cheat like hell!
And so it came to be, that a President of the United States declared that his supporters should Cheat Like Hell in an election.
That sound you hear is the sobbing of George Washington, who just realized that his grand experiement in democracy has failed.
It MIGHT be saved, by whoever becomes President next time...maybe...but it is probably too late for the ghost of George Washington, who was just seen leading his ghost horse off a cliff in the darkness,
Peter Wick
September 14, 2026
