It's true! Margorie Taylor Greene was right! Nancy Pelosi has been running a secret police force called the Gazpacho Police. How do I know? Because I worked for them. I resigned recently, blaming hardship, emotional trauma, and psychological stress. Telling my story here, hopefully, will be part of my road to recovery.
It all started when Pelosi received word that several Republicans - yes, all of them Trump allies - were making unacceptable food combinations. They were putting ketchup on pasta, we were told, and peanut butter on hamburgers; shocking stuff!
Pelosi didn't waste any time. She had the entire force set up in a couple days. I was designated as an undercover agent. My job was to shadow Margorie Taylor Greene when she went out to eat, track her food combos and report back. I was never to be seen in person. It was a tough assignment, but I took it on because I love my country.
The next day I was hiding incognito under a table at a diner around the corner from the capitol. It was a tight squeeze, MTG's feet, three other pairs of feet (someone was wearing socks that hadn't been washed in days), and me. What I overheard scared me - cheetos and broccoli....COMBINED!
When I reported back to Pelosi, she exhaled with that decision-makers command that she has, and strode off in the direction of Chuck Schumer's office. Later that afternoon we were given even more serious instructions; serious food combo breaches like this were to be texted to her, live in the moment, and the uniformed officers would report to the scene as soon as possible.
It was early the next day. MTG was ordering breakfast at a favorite morning spot of the congressional crowd. I was hiding inside the garbage can by the door. I listened intently, worried that I would not hear exactly what she was ordering. At first it seemed simple enough; a bowl of cereal and some orange juice.
She took her order to her table and sat down. Everything seemed innocuous...until...I could not believe what I was seeing. She opened her orange juice and, right there in front of everyone, as if it were the most ordinary thing in the world, she poured her orange juice right into her cereal...CEREAL AND ORANGE JUICE!
I reached instantly for my phone, fumbling it into someone's left over tray of ketchup. I wiped it off and typed out the text to Nanci Pelosi; "Orange juice in her cereal," I texted, "Completely without any sense of shame!"
The reply was instant. Pelosi had uniformed officers already stationed nearby. They were on the scene in a matter of minutes.
The arrest was swift. The cereal was beyond hope.
So, she was right to call us the Gazpacho Police. It's what we are. It's what we do.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm looking for some Ranch Dressing to dip these chocolate chip cookies into.
Peter Wick
February 14, 2022