Saturday, November 15, 2014

#30 - Customer Service

Call #1:

Hello, My name is Tricia. Thank you for calling Time Warner Cable. I'll be doing whatever I can to make your day miserable. Can I have your full name and account number?

Um, my name name is Peter Wick, and the account number is __________.

Okay, great. I have your account up here. What can I do for you today?

I'll be moving on the 1st of the month. So I need my TV service moved to the new address at that time. I also will need your internet service added at the new address as well.

Okay, I see you have our basic cable TV service. We have a bundle that I think would be perfect for you, Cable, phone and internet for a package price of $______.

No, I don't want phone sevice. I have a cell phone. I just want my cable moved and internet added.

I understand, but this is the most inexpensive package we have.

But it costs more than just adding internet to my current service, and I don't want the phone.

Actually, just adding internet to your existing service will cost, $_______. So as you can see it is cheaper to get the bundle with the phone.

How can that be? Why is it cheaper to get three things, including one I don't want, than to just get the two things I want?

That's just how we work at Time Warner.

I don't want the phone.

Of course you don't. No one does. We force you to get it by talking around in circles like this.

Call #2:

Time Warner Cable. Tricia speaking. How can I help you?

Hi, I spoke with you yesterday. I decided to go ahead and sign up for your bundle, even though I don't actually want the phone.

I see. Actually we currently have you signed up for a different package, including having one of our representaties call you each day to yell obscenities at you, for the new priice of $__________. We have you scheduled for an installation appointment Tuesday bettween 8 am and sometime next year.

Call #3:

Hi, I was supposedly scheduled for an istallation appointment today, but haven't seen any sign of the technician. Any word on when this guy is going to show up?

Oh, actually, that appoointment was cancelled.



By who?

By someone in our Trivial Annoyance Department. It seems the order was written up wrong, and the technician felt he needed more time than what was scheduled.

Was anyone going to bother telling me it was canceled? I dropped some work today, so I could sit around all day waiting for this guy.



No, no one was going to call you to tell you the appointment was cancelled.

Call #4

Time Warner Cable, Tricia speaking. how can I help you?

Hi, Peter Wick again.

Hi Mister Wick. Are you calling to sign up for our premium package? It includes HBO and Showtime, as well as several very expensive but murky and unspecified services that will show up on your bill as 'various fees.'

Uh, no, no I didn't call up for that reason.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. What can I do for you?

Well, I have in my hand a paper bill for my old address, with the old services, charging me for next month.

Mm hm, and what seems to be the problem?

Well, I mean, I cancelled service at the old address. I have different services, at a different price at a new address. So, I'm wondering why you're still expecting me to pay for services where I no longer live.

Oh, because we were hoping you wouldn't notice, and just pay without questioning.

I see. Well....I'm questioning.

Rats! There goes part of my commission.

And, one other thing...


I went without service for 11 days at the beginning of the month. Any chance I can be credited for the days I had no service?

Hm, let's see, would you be willing to pay an additional thirty-five dollars for that service?

No, no, see, what I'm asking is if you can credit me back a little money because I received no service for eleven days.

I understand, Mr. Wick. I'm just asking you if you are willing to pay for that?

Pay for that! NO, see a credit means you give me some money back, or you deduct it from my next bill.

Exactly, Mr. wick, and we are willing to credit you Fifteen dollars back, if -

If? If what?

If you are willing to pay thirty-five dollars for the service fee.

The service fee?

To process the credit.

You know what, never mind. I'm thinking seriously about just going out to see live entertainment every night.

What are you saying, Mr. wick?

I'm thinking seriously about just cutting the cord and going without cable.

Hmm, that would be very expensive.

Expensive!? no, I would have to pay nothing. I would have no cable.

We charge a base price of two hundred dollars a month for that service.

What service?

Well, Mr. Wick, you must certainly understand that if it costs a certain amount for us to run cable entertainment and internet, not to mention the phone that you famously do not want, into your apartment, just imagine how much it costs for us to go away.

What do you mean?

Two hundred dollars a month to get us out of your life, Mr. Wick. That's our most prized service. Many people are willing to pay quite a lot for us to leave them alone. Are you willing to go down this road?

You know what, never mind. Just shut up and stop being so silly.

I would, but...

But what?

I would have to charge you for that service.

-Peter Wick
November 15, 2014