Thursday, July 14, 2022

107 - The New Science Review (from 1992)

 NOTE: I have boxes and boxes of old stuff sittting around here. Every once in a while I rediscover the urge to dig through some old stuff and see if there is anything that does not make me want to vomit, and then disown my younger self. Occasionally I read something I wrote back in the day, and kind of like it. This is dated, for sure. Some of you readers - if I read my analytics properly - were not even born in 1992. You never had the chance to see TV commercials featuring claymation raisins singing, "I Heard it Through the Grapevine." For what it's worth, this little thing I knocked off sometime in my 20s, feels like something I still want to claim ownership of. You know where I am if you disagree.-PW

The New Science Review

After strong urging by my closest friends (others might refer to it as 'severe taunting') I finally admitted, recently, my scientific incompetence. The circumstances leading up their urging need not be spelled out in detail. In short, they involve a certain amount of nitro glycerin and a now-defunct sewage system I absent-mindedly flushed it down.

The urging was strong, though, so I swallowed my pride (choking on it at first, but finally washing it down with a banana smoothie) and purchased the current issues of several science-related magazines.

I was stunned, not by the wealth of knowledge contained in these magazines, but by the journalistic desperation which these rags pass off as science.

To offer an idea of what I found, I have complied a Table of Contents loosely similar to them all:

1. Inside Every Fat Man - pg. 9

Two M.I.T. researchers finally disprove the old saying, "Inside every fat man is a thin one trying to get out." their eveidence shows that inside only 60% of fat men is a thin one trying to get out. Inside 30% of fat men is an equally fat man just trying to sit still, and inside one fat man in ten is a small marmot trying to butter toast.

2. Consequences of The Greenhouse Effect - pg. 27

A new report reveals startling ramifications of The Greenhouse Effect. Of urgent interest is the newly discovered "Woodshed Effect." Has the world been overpopulated by men wearing hunting jackets and John Deere golf caps? How will this affect you and I?

3. The Whole Mind - pg.35

New Age scientists reveal secrets of the brain's hidden power, focusing on a corner of the right lobe which, if used properly, can alter physical reality. Also discussed is a small spot in the left lobe which is more limited in its potential, but which still, when applied properly, can turn a tennis shoe into Richard Gere's laundry instructions.

4. The Essence of Matter - Pg. 47

Theoretical Physicist, Max Englespegle, takes several everyday objects, breaks them down into their most basic elements and, taking advantage of their vulnerable state, attacks them viciously with kitchen knives. The Editors intervene and pull him off, rushing the elements to the lab where those that survive are held for questioning.

5. A Third Form of Atomic Power - pg. 51

After decades debating the safety of 'Fision' - the controversial process of splitting atoms - and current research into 'Fusion' - the cleaner process of bonding atoms together - scientists have discovered yet another form of atomic powere. It is called 'Lesion.' This is the simple process of setting two atoms near each other until one of them strikes up a conversation. Admittedly it has failed to produce substantial amounts of energy, but on at least two occasions it has resulted in the creation of atom families with tiny atom babies.

6. Space Travel and The Future - pg. 71

An insightful discussion of both space travel AND the future. Includes special pull-out map showing where space is, and when the future is likely to arrive.

7. The Worth of Scientific Accomplishments - pg. 83

Our staff interviews three dozen distinguished scientists about the degree of satisfaction they get from their work. Results indicate that while science is generally rewarding, it does match the thrill of seeing raisins come to life and sing Marvin Gaye songs.

8. Science scores its biggest success yet - pg. 86

Modern science may still be baffled by cancer. It is still stumped by the Aids Virus. But science has, at long last, triumphed over static cling. We look back at the heroes of this battle, and recall some of the forgotten victims, such as Harold Rassmussen, a scientist in the 1950s who died while trying to pull two socks apart in the shower.

9. Final Word - pg. 93

Our Editor takes a humorous look at single cell structures, poking sarcastic barbs at their inability to breakdance or play the game of Twister.

Peter Wick

July 14, 2022 (or sometime in the early 90s)