#43 - Fools

“The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool.”

A character named Leo Auffmann said that, in Ray Bradbury’s book, “Dandelion Wine.” Bradbury wrote the book in 1957. He had already made a name for himself as a Science Fiction writer with “The Martian Chronicles,” and “Fahrenheit 451.” Then he wrote this delightful book about a 12 year old boy discovering what it means to be alive.

When I read the line it resonated in a personal and humbling way. I have learned over the years that I am a fool. I have also learned over and over, that I am the same fool. It is impossible to have any small semblance of self-awareness and NOT learn this simple, humbling truth.

It doesn’t have to be depressing. You can learn that you are a fool, and still have the confidence to proceed in life.

When I watch and listen to the fools running for President, I am struck by the thought that they, universally, have not learned this most basic lesson in life. They are fools. They don’t know it. We should all be wary of each and every one of them.

This is not to say that they are all equally foolish. Obviously some are worse offenders than others. I am making it a personal policy not to name names, but the ones who proclaim loudly and without a hint of irony that they are the greatest thing to come along ever, these people in particular are people we should run from as far and as fast as we can run.

Who then, you might ask, should we approve of? In a Democracy, who should we vote for?

I haven’t figured out the answer to this question.

There are those who have a long standing policy of voting AGAINST. They vote against whoever they dislike the most. They don’t particularly LIKE those who they vote for, but they rationalize their vote by saying, “Better than so and so.”

I’m not convinced. Anytime you vote, you are, by default, voting FOR someone. Voting for someone implies that you support them. You approve of that person being in a position of power.

I am no longer certain if I can ever approve of anyone who would run for political office. I cannot, in good conscience, approve of anyone who thinks they should be President. I am beginning to think that the desire to run for President automatically disqualifies you from the job.

Perhaps I am suffering from a loss of faith, but I no longer support politicians. As a group, they are people to be disdained and disapproved of.

They consist of ‘the bad,’ and ‘the worse.’

They are fools, and they don’t know it.

I think the rest of us are all too aware of it.

-Peter Wick

March 15, 2016

#42 - VOTE for the Absurd Ideas Party!

I keep trying to avoid politics, but we have entered the 2016 primary season, and politics dominates the conversation.

I have been giving it serious consideration, and would like to announce that I am throwing my hat into the political ring for the second time in my life.

The first time was in college, many years ago, and I ran for student council on a solemn promise that if elected I would immediately resign from office. The campaign was not my idea. It was my editor on the student paper who suggested I run. As reporters we had been writing about one student council member after another resigning from office. I can’t remember why, some silly college version of controversy surrounding these council members.

On top of that, new elections were coming up, and only five candidates were running for six council positions. We were reporting on it, and laughing throughout the newspaper office about the dysfunctional state of our college’s student government.

After agreeing to the preposterous candidacy, I had my picture taken and saw it run on the front page of the paper next to the headline, “Wick announces candidacy; if elected, promises to resign immediately.”

It was strictly a write-in campaign. We weren’t able to get my name onto the official ballot, but we figured that with only five candidates running, any write-ins for me, should actually get me elected, right? Then I would fulfill my promise to resign.

The elections came, and I was informed that I had received ten write-in votes. I won, right? With six positions open, and the five official candidates elected, I had received the next highest number of votes. I should be elected to the sixth council seat.

As it turns out, the college didn’t buy into the joke. I was never allowed to be sworn in as a student council member. I was never allowed to honor the votes of my ten loyal supporters. I was never allowed to fulfill my promise to resign immediately after being sworn in.

I hope to do better this time.

I am inspired by England’s “Monster Raving Looney Party.” This is a real party that has been around for 50 years in England. Their official websites simply lists their motto as, “Vote for insanity.” Sound advice, if you ask me.

So, I am declaring my candidacy for President, of the “Absurd Ideas Party.”

Our motto? “You’re voting for insanity anyway, just admit it and make it official.”

A few of our key platform policies:

FOREIGN POLICY:

-Rather than a standing army, we propose that all foreign enemies be dealt a harsh, biting, cutting dose of extreme sarcasm. We believe sarcasm is what has been missing from the foreign policy debate up to now. Taliban, Iran, ISIS, even some in Russia had better develop thick skin and fast, because we are going after your weakest defense; your sense of humor!

TAXES:

We do believe the wealthy should pay more, but they won’t have to do anything on their own. We intend to access their bank accounts and steal their money. That will be our new tax policy; steal from the rich. As for Robin Hood’s follow-up to that (giving to the poor) we’re thinking about it. We haven’t decided yet.

We at the Absurd Ideas Party will be releasing new policy statements on other issues of national and international irrelevance very soon. We are preparing a statement outlining our proposal to relocate all chinchillas to Lichtenstein. In the meantime, please remember that we can’t get onto any official ballots. So, again, this is strictly a write-in campaign.

See you at the ballot box.

-Peter Wick

February 15, 2016

#41 - Awards Season! - January, 2016

Awards season in L.A. is a funny period of time. We’ve had the Golden Globes and the People’s Choice Awards already. Coming up are the Screen Actors Guild Awards, the Critics’ Awards, the Directors and Producers Guild Awards, then my favorite, the Film Independent Spirit Awards, and of course the Oscars.

Everyone in L.A. both loves and hates this whole time of year.

I am qualified to vote in the Screen Actors Guild Awards and the Film Independent Spirit Awards.

For the record, it doesn’t matter where you live as you read this, anyone reading this right now, could vote in the Spirit Awards. All you have to do is pay your $95 yearly membership fee to Film Independent, and presto, you get to watch free films.

There are so many screenings happening for free, there is not enough time in the day to attend them all. As I write this I could be arranging to screen a dozen films over the upcoming 3-day weekend, but in reality I will skip most of them.

I have no connection to the Oscars, but I’ve talked to several people who do, and they all seem to share a love/hate relationship with the whole process.

Maybe the reason is that in the end it only sort of matters, which means that it also sort of doesn’t matter who wins, who loses, who is ‘snubbed,’ or who is a surprise winner.

20 years ago I worked for two days as an Extra and a Stand-in on ‘Forrest Gump.’ I had an insignificant 2-day job, and none of the important people on that film will ever remember my presence. I was hired to be one of the ‘All-American’ college football players that meets President John F. Kennedy, and when I arrived was also given the behind-the-scenes job of standing in Kennedy’s place while the lighting crew set up the lights. I will go to my grave, though, proudly boasting that I worked on one Oscar winner. But I recently googled the other nominees from that year and discovered what I had forgotten. The far superior ‘Shawshank Redemption’ lost out to Gump, and that is all you need to know about the Oscars. Winning means nothing. Winning probably means you were the second or third best film of that year (in 1969 Stanley Kubrik famously lost the Directing award for 2001 to Carol Reed and the musical Oliver).

I try to take the job of voting seriously. I mean, it’s important to me that Hollywood has some alternative way to gauge success besides the skewed value of box office numbers. But let’s be honest, it is a very flawed system.

I’m not going to name any names, or review any particular film, but I went to a screening recently, my first time inside the posh offices of CAA – one of the top, maybe THE top Agency in the business – at the Ray Kurztman theater (or is it Roy? Jay?). The film was, well, let’s say I just wasn’t buying into it. I thought it was 'okay,' but by no means a great film. I was so disappointed, because I like the guy who wrote the screenplay. I had high hopes for it. I left the screening frustrated at what passes for a 'great’ film.

A few days later the Oscar nominations were announced, and there it was, smack in the middle of the list of nominees for best film of the year.

I twisted my head a little and laughed.

Oh well, whatever, it doesn’t matter. The producers are happy, I guess.

It’s still better to have awards than not.

I’m always surprised at how many people have not heard of the Spirit Awards. I’ve been watching them for years. They happen Saturday, the day before the Oscars, and they’re more watchable because no one dresses up (I’ve always felt that I could never go to the Oscars, because I would be sure to vomit directly on someone’s $20,000 gown).

So….watch the Spirit Awards. Then skip the Oscars. No, wait, Chris Rock is hosting. I guess I could handle watching some of the show to see him.

Just know that there’s one film on that Best Film list that, if it wins, I’ll be laughing at the absurdity of it all.

-Peter Wick

January 15, 2016

#40 - Funny, Sexy Nanobots - Nov. 2015

I was alarmed to read recently that scientists are planning to insert tiny nanobots into our brains in the not-too-distant future.

Ray Kurzweil, who has researched artificial intelligence for years, and now works at Google, has predicted that in about 20 years we will be able to insert tiny robots – ‘nanobots’ – into our brains, making us, in his words, “funnier…sexier…and better at expressing loving sentiment.”

I think it’s interesting that scientists these days are so concerned about being funny and sexy. Scientists have always been the classic examples of nerdy geniuses who are anything BUT funny and sexy. I wonder if this is the scientists’ ultimate revenge; years of being the victim of clever put-downs, the heart-ache of watching the dream-girl leave with the sexier stud, have led the scientific community to INVENT their way to being funny and sexy.

The way it works, if I understand Mr. Kurzweil’s explanation, is that tiny robots from DNA strands will swim around in the capillaries of our brains, allowing us to connect to the cloud. This will give us increased ‘logical intelligence’ and ‘emotional intelligence,’ and apparently, funnier comebacks, and more devastatingly sexy personas.

I wonder if this is just wishful thinking on Mr. Kurzweil’s part.

Connecting our brains to the cloud may certainly give us quicker access to knowledge (“The 1915 Treaty of London? Of course I know which countries were involved”) but will it really give us a funnier comeback when someone insults us?

Sure, you’ll have instant access to the entire database of other people’s clever comebacks. There’s the generic comeback listed on several websites; “Did you hear that? It’s the sound of no one caring” Or maybe you want to go more Groucho Marx; “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” Or maybe you want to tap into the more whimsical but biting style of Oscar Wilde; “Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”

Despite all of this database access, though, I wonder if tiny nanobots will give us the creativity to come up with our own brilliant, original funny line.

As for sexiness, well, this is an even wilder dream on Kurzweil’s part. At the risk of sounding sexist; the vast of majority of men have no clue what makes a man sexy. Do we really believe scientists can program robots for sexiness?

Hold on, something just occurred to me; Mr. Kurzweil doesn’t plan to insert these nanobots into his own brain at all. He plans to put them in OTHER people’s brains. Aha! Mr. Kurzweil you have been found out! You plan to get your revenge on that girl who broke your heart, by inserting pre-programmed nanobots into her brain that will make her fall desperately in love with you.

Why do I see images of a crazy, laughing madman, surrounded by devices and bubbling beakers, screaming manically into the night, in a dark castle at the top of a lonely hill? On the outside of the dark castle, stenciled in crazy-looking uneven lettering, is the simple word, “Kurzweil.”

Peter Wick

November 14, 2015

#39 - How to survive a political campaign year

I don't really want to write about politics. Politics is a trap.

I DO, however, want to make fun of politicians as much as I possibly can, and in the process, help you, my dear reader, find some small sliver of sanity in what is shaping up to be a mostly insane upcoming year of politics.

First, let's identify what the problem is; I don't think it's a stretch to say that nearly all of us, on all sides of the political landscape, share one response....shaking our heads in disbelief at something we just heard a politician say.

We drop our jaws a little, twist our heads sideways, try to find the right balance between anger and laughter, and look at whoever else is nearby, to see if they are as bewildered as you are.

There is a uniquely preposterous tone of voice used by the candidate running for office. Politicians say things that no one in any other facet of life will say. The only way, I feel, to find balance and perspective is to imagine that the person saying the preposterous things, is someone - or something - else entirely.

A few examples (on opposite sides of the political divide);

Whenever Bernie Sanders speaks, imagine that is is KFC icon, Colonel Sanders.

When Donald Trump pontificates, imagine all the same words coming from the mouth of Donald Duck.

Hilary Clinton?....George Clinton (of Parliament Funkadelic).

Jeb Bush?.....Jed Clampit (from Beverly Hillbillies).

This is a start. This will at least allow you to fall asleep at night replaying a more entertaining version of the news than you otherwise would have.

Next, we need to add wrestling to political debates. There's just no alternative. These people need to stop talking, creating 'spin,' blabbering on and on without really saying anything....and...they need to.......fight!

You might expect Trump and Sanders to win that one, but something unexpected is bound to happen. One of the lesser candidates will emerge as an unexpected bad-ass. One of the bigger candidates will be exposed as a wimp.

Wrestling......add it to all future political debates......Do it America!

Finally, since Donald Trump has completed the crossover form 'reality' TV to political candidate, I think we need to go the other direction, and turn the primaries into one long episodes of "Survivor."

Instead of having primaries and caucuses, we should helicopter all of the candidates to a remote deserted island, and let them figure out how to survive on their own. They will have to create alliances and enemies, Each month they will have to vote one candidate off of the island. Whoever is left at the end becomes President.

Wait.......No, check that.....Let's just leave that person on the island and never go back.
-Peter Wick
October 15, 2015

#38 - Social Media has saved the WORLD!

They say the first step toward healing is admitting the truth. Well, world, let's admit it, we're a pretty dumb lot.

This isn't a new phenomenon. Dumbness has run rampant since the first Homo Erectus decided to stand upright, and his dad yelled at him to quit showing off. "Walk bent over, like a normal early ape creature, yu damn kid!"

In the ancient world prior to the advent of social media - you know, the 1990's - dumbness was alive and well. (Two words....boy bands). Now we have Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Google Plus....sorry, my mistake, we don't actually have Google Plus.

The great thing about this era of social media, is that we are living out Mark Zuckerberg's dream of a 'more connected world.' Being connected will save us....from....I don't know what. I was just reading about the person who was so excited about getting a new American Express credit card, that they posted a photo of the card in their Facebook status, not realizing the dangers of posting your new credit card number on the internet for everyone to see....and copy.

Then there was the guy who complained that his Science Teacher was so dumb, he thought the sun was a star. When  someone replied, "That's because it is," he argued forcefully that, "A sun's a sun. A star's a star. there's a difference. Duh."

Reading posts like these give some insight into our society. Don't get me wrong. We are not dumber than we used to be. Our dumbness is just more exposed for all to see.

For example, I was stunned to learn something about disgraced bicycle champion Lance Armstrong that I had not previously known. One thoughtful person posted, "We should all get off Lance Armstrong's back. Sure he did drugs, but he was still the first person to land on the moon." Fascinating! I did not know that!

The examples are too many and too mind boggling to list. ("Canadians are so stupid they think 'Titanic' was a real event, not jut a movie").

Mark Zuckerberg wants to save the third world, by floating wifi balloons around the world, so everyone can have access to Facebook.

Well, if Mark Zuckerberg believes it, it must be true, right?

I don't remember which of these are Facebook and which are Twiiter (Twitter, by the way, is far superior, because I love Twitter). It doesn't really matter. What matters is that someone took the time to ask publicly whether "The Hunger Games" is a true story....failing to account for the fact that it is set in the FUTURE.

There's the person who posted, in full wonderment, "Can you believe this Earth is now 2015 years old? Amazing!"

"Why did they invent other languages? What, like one wasn't enuogh?" This person would be facinated to learn that English is just about the LAST language to develop on the planet.

Or, the girl who asked why Chinese people don't have 'normal' names, like Kathy and Emily.

Or, they guy who was sure the world only has seven countries.

Or........

Forget it, we all get the point.

In closing I leave you with a modified age-old question to consider:

If a tree falls in the woods.....and no one is there to pose for a selfie in front of it.....did it actually fall? If no one posts it to Facebook, or at least Instagram, does it even matter? Or, if it's posted, but by someone with only 40 friends, and no one 'likes' it, did the tree even exist to begin with, or was it just too lame for existence?
-Peter Wick
September 15, 2015

#37 - Abducted!

The 15 minute walk up Rose Avenue from my apartment to the nearest over-priced grocery store (that would of course be Whole Foods) is a colorful and interesting walk. You are sure to be surprised by something along the way. If it's not the giant ballerina-with-a-clown-head on the wall of the CVS Pharmacy, maybe it will be the neighborhood medical pot store, or the stenciled sidewalk art - a sinister looking silhouette of a man pointing up at you with the words, "You love the man," stenciled next to him.

You might be surprised by the shear number of society's outcasts. There's a unique breed of homelessness in Venice, but that's another issue, to be dealt with at another time.

Taped or stapled to the streetlight poles and power poles are the usual posters; a band playing somewhere, a missing cat, a missing dog, a missing person...

It was along these lines that one particular flier taped to a pole caught my attention recently. At the top in bold letters was the word "Abducted!" Below the word was a picture of a bearded 20-something-looking gjuy.

I stepped closer to read the rest of the poster. It stated that this guy was abducted by aliens on a particluar day, at a particular time, in Topanga Canyon. Then it said, "If you have any means of alien contact, please call us," and then it listed the phone number....and that was it.

The poster raised a lot of questions  for me, more questions than it could ever hope to answer.

Did the people making the poster actually SEE their friend get abducted by aliens? Even if you are able to contact these aliens, what will you say to them? Can you negotiate an abductee's release from alien capture? If you can negotiate an abductee's release, how do you negotiate? Do you offer a trade?  Some other human to experiment on in exchange for the return of your friend? If you can negotiate a trade, who do you trade for? Do you look for a volunteer, or do you trade away someone against their will?

I nominate Kim Kardashian.

I plan to contact the President in the next few days and arrange a trade negotiation, in which we give the aliens Kim K in exchenge for the return of whatever-the-hell-his-name-is - let's call him "Topanga Dude."

It's a beautiful trade, the more I think about it. I want to be there when the alien ship comes down through the Canyon trees and touches down gently on the roadway. Then the hatch slides gracefully open. Topanga Dude steps awkwardly out of the space craft, sheilding his eyes from the bright light of the many car headlights. Kim K is then presented to the aliens. She wimpers a little as the government agent pulls her by the arm toward the craft. Several cars away Kanye shrugs and smiles as she is ushered into the craft and the hatch closes.

Moments later the craft - and Kim - are gone, never again to return to Earth.

One of Topanga Dude's friends asks him if he's okay.

"Sure, I guess," he says.

"What did they do to you?" a friend asks.

"Mostly they just made me scrub their toilets," he says. "Oh, and they did experiments on my brain."

"Cool," the friend says.

Then we all get in our cars and go home, never to hear about Kim Kardashian ever again....

...And there was peace on Earth from that day on....
-Peter Wick
July 15, 2015