I was alarmed to read recently that scientists are planning
to insert tiny nanobots into our brains in the not-too-distant future.
Ray Kurzweil, who has researched artificial intelligence for
years, and now works at Google, has predicted that in about 20 years we will be
able to insert tiny robots – ‘nanobots’ – into our brains, making us, in his
words, “funnier…sexier…and better at expressing loving sentiment.”
I think it’s interesting that scientists these days are so
concerned about being funny and sexy. Scientists have always been the classic
examples of nerdy geniuses who are anything BUT funny and sexy. I wonder if
this is the scientists’ ultimate revenge; years of being the victim of clever
put-downs, the heart-ache of watching the dream-girl leave with the sexier
stud, have led the scientific community to INVENT their way to being funny and
sexy.
The way it works, if I understand Mr. Kurzweil’s
explanation, is that tiny robots from DNA strands will swim around in the capillaries
of our brains, allowing us to connect to the cloud. This will give us increased
‘logical intelligence’ and ‘emotional intelligence,’ and apparently, funnier
comebacks, and more devastatingly sexy personas.
I wonder if this is just wishful thinking on Mr. Kurzweil’s
part.
Connecting our brains to the cloud may certainly give us
quicker access to knowledge (“The 1915 Treaty of London? Of course I know which
countries were involved”) but will it really give us a funnier comeback when
someone insults us?
Sure, you’ll have instant access to the entire database of
other people’s clever comebacks. There’s the generic comeback listed on several
websites; “Did you hear that? It’s the sound of no one caring” Or maybe you
want to go more Groucho Marx; “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be
glad to make an exception.” Or maybe you want to tap into the more whimsical
but biting style of Oscar Wilde; “Some people cause happiness wherever they go;
others, whenever they go.”
Despite all of this database access, though, I wonder if
tiny nanobots will give us the creativity to come up with our own brilliant,
original funny line.
As for sexiness, well, this is an even wilder dream on
Kurzweil’s part. At the risk of sounding sexist; the vast of majority of men
have no clue what makes a man sexy. Do we really believe scientists can program
robots for sexiness?
Hold on, something just occurred to me; Mr. Kurzweil doesn’t
plan to insert these nanobots into his own brain at all. He plans to put them
in OTHER people’s brains. Aha! Mr. Kurzweil you have been found out! You plan
to get your revenge on that girl who broke your heart, by inserting
pre-programmed nanobots into her brain that will make her fall desperately in
love with you.
Why do I see images of a crazy, laughing madman, surrounded
by devices and bubbling beakers, screaming manically into the night, in a dark
castle at the top of a lonely hill? On the outside of the dark castle,
stenciled in crazy-looking uneven lettering, is the simple word, “Kurzweil.”
Peter Wick
November 14, 2015
