I keep trying to avoid politics, but we have entered the
2016 primary season, and politics dominates the conversation.
I have been giving it serious consideration, and would like
to announce that I am throwing my hat into the political ring for the second time
in my life.
The first time was in college, many years ago, and I ran for
student council on a solemn promise that if elected I would immediately resign
from office. The campaign was not my idea. It was my editor on the student
paper who suggested I run. As reporters we had been writing about one student
council member after another resigning from office. I can’t remember why, some
silly college version of controversy surrounding these council members.
On top of that, new elections were coming up, and only five candidates
were running for six council positions. We were reporting on it, and laughing
throughout the newspaper office about the dysfunctional state of our college’s
student government.
After agreeing to the preposterous candidacy, I had my
picture taken and saw it run on the front page of the paper next to the
headline, “Wick announces candidacy; if elected, promises to resign immediately.”
It was strictly a write-in campaign. We weren’t able to get
my name onto the official ballot, but we figured that with only five candidates
running, any write-ins for me, should actually get me elected, right? Then I
would fulfill my promise to resign.
The elections came, and I was informed that I had received
ten write-in votes. I won, right? With six positions open, and the five
official candidates elected, I had received the next highest number of votes. I
should be elected to the sixth council seat.
As it turns out, the college didn’t buy into the joke. I was
never allowed to be sworn in as a student council member. I was never allowed
to honor the votes of my ten loyal supporters. I was never allowed to fulfill
my promise to resign immediately after being sworn in.
I hope to do better this time.
I am inspired by England’s “Monster Raving Looney Party.”
This is a real party that has been around for 50 years in England. Their
official websites simply lists their motto as, “Vote for insanity.” Sound
advice, if you ask me.
So, I am declaring my candidacy for President, of the “Absurd
Ideas Party.”
Our motto? “You’re voting for insanity anyway, just admit it
and make it official.”
A few of our key platform policies:
FOREIGN POLICY:
-Rather than a standing army, we propose that all foreign
enemies be dealt a harsh, biting, cutting dose of extreme sarcasm. We believe
sarcasm is what has been missing from the foreign policy debate up to now.
Taliban, Iran, ISIS, even some in Russia had better develop thick skin and
fast, because we are going after your weakest defense; your sense of humor!
TAXES:
We do believe the wealthy should pay more, but they won’t
have to do anything on their own. We intend to access their bank accounts and
steal their money. That will be our new tax policy; steal from the rich. As for
Robin Hood’s follow-up to that (giving to the poor) we’re thinking about it. We
haven’t decided yet.
We at the Absurd Ideas Party will be releasing new policy
statements on other issues of national and international irrelevance very soon.
We are preparing a statement outlining our proposal to relocate all chinchillas
to Lichtenstein. In the meantime, please remember that we can’t get onto any
official ballots. So, again, this is strictly a write-in campaign.
See you at the ballot box.
-Peter Wick
February 15, 2016
