Friday, July 15, 2016

#47 - The Trump University Course Catalog

The Trump University Course Catalog

            (A lot has been made of the fraudulent Real Estate University named after Mr. Trump. Few are aware, though, that for a short time it was intended to be a full academic institution.)

            Trump University is dedicated to bringing awesomeness to anyone who doesn’t want to be a loser, and then sending them out into the world to make the world less stupid!

Department of Winning So Good in Business:
            Hi, I’m Donald Trump, and I’m such an amazing business man. I’m so incredible. I might be the most amazing business man who ever lived. You’ll never be as great as me, but if you sign up for my business classes, you might at least get a chance to meet me and marvel at my charisma.

-The Art of The Swindle
            In this course we will take a closer look at the mysterious workings of the swindle; how to swindle someone without them knowing it; swindling your closest friends and family; and of course how to get swindled by me personally, and LIKE IT.

-How to Make Money by Going Bankrupt
            Many people mistakenly feel that bankruptcy is a bad thing. This course will explain how you can use bankruptcy to your advantage, and actually make money in the process, while leaving some other poor loser holding the bag.

Department of Psychology:
            At Trump University’s Department of Psychology, we basically point out how all this mumbo jumbo about mental health came from a bunch of weak cry babies who never learned to just suck it up

-The workings of the MIND….and why yours doesn’t
            In this course we examine Mr. Trump’s mind, and discover why everyone should think the way he does, because, you know, he just tells it the way it is.

-Sucking it up 101
            All this nonsense we’ve been hearing about ‘feelings’ comes from a lot of whiney liberal nerds. End of story.

Department of Journalism:
            Just kidding. Journalism is for sleazy sleaze balls.

Department of Science:
            At  Trump U. we have searched the world and hired only those Science Professors who are sensible enough to realize that Planet Earth is going to be just fine. There is no global warming. There’s no drought. The damn Environmentalists are alarmist crybabies. Animals are smelly pests who need to be eaten as fast as possible. Whenever you hear some so-called “Scientist” claim that things are going bad, just punch him the nose and give him a wedgey. If that doesn’t shut him up, steal his girlfriend, and push him back down to the ground. Just kidding, he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and he never got up off the ground after the first time you knocked him down.

            You will always be happy you spent your hard-earned, easily lost money at Trump University. You will come away with a Major in Greatness, and a minor in irresistible sexiness. The entire world will be jealous of you. Seriously. All those people who criticize you are just jealous whiners. Screw them!

Peter Wick

July 15, 2016