Saturday, June 13, 2020

86. SuperStar Bio (hint: the joke is on me)

The internet is The Wild Wild West.

Only in the world of website startups, desperate for clicks and daily visitor stats, would I turn up on something called, "Superstar bio."

And yet it has happened. My SuperstarBio entry has some eye-opening information about me, including some facts that even I did not know. For starters, it lists my Net Worth as 2 million dollars. I laughed out loud when I first saw this. Pretty good joke, I thought. 

Then I went to my bank and showed them the website. "This says I'm worth 2 million dollars," I said. "This is a reputable, respectable website. So, you know, where's my 2 million dollars?"

The bankers looked at me sideways, as if I had lost my mind.

I learned many more surprising and unknown facts about myself, facts that were confirmed by another reputable and respectable website, Star9. I discovered that I am only 5-feet 9-inches tall. This came as a shock. The last time I measured myself - the last several times I measured myself - I came in at a half-inch over 6 feet. What happened, I asked myself. How did I lose 3 and a half inches? My only consolation was the weight I seemed to have lost in order to come in at their listed 160 pounds.

Between the two websites, I learned that my favorite food is 'vegetable rice.' I learned that my favorite destination is Los Angeles (not much of a destination since I actually LIVE in Los Angeles). My main 'qualification' is that I graduated from high school, and my hair color is 'light brown.'

The internet is an amazing place. At least they left my family and girlfriend history blank.

I want to set the record straight once and for all. I am going to create a list, here, of all the juicey details everyone wants to know about me. My hope is that this will clear up everyone's confusion once and for all.


Education: Rumors only. Yes, there seems to have been some sort of education, but we are still trying to verify

Profession: Saying no to things that might make money

Known for: Appearing for two seconds - maybe less - in the upcoming, "Bill and Ted Face the Music."

Salary: Only slightly more than celery

Net Worth: You know what, let’s keep it at $2 million. That sounds way better than the truth


Father: "It's possible that we are all Frank Sinatra's children," -Ronan Farrow

Mother: Janet

Brothers: The one with the beard and the one with no hair of any kind

Sisters: The one with the giant dog and the one with two repaired joints from soccer injuries

Marital status: Dysfunctional

Wife/girlfriend: Why, did someone say something about me? Did they sound like they were going to court?


Hobbies: Collecting things that should be thrown out

Favorite food: What can I have right now without going to the store?

Favorite destination: Away (just.... away...)

Favorite color: Blue (yes, they had this one right)

Body type: Bipedal humanoid (except when spotted crawling on all fours)

I can only hope that this new information satisfies my hungry fans.

Now if you would please let Mr. Wick through the door....excuse me..please, please make way...I'm sorry Mr. Wick is not signing autographs or taking selfies with his fans...if anyone has any ideas regarding a good, viral, career-ending scandal, Mr. Wick is taking suggestions.

Peter Wick
June 13, 2020