Thursday, May 14, 2015

#35 - The Once and Future Sonics

I am a coffee drinker.

And a basketball fan.

And from Seattle.

These three facts combine, this time of year, to cause a churning inner turmoil.


If you have to ask, you obviously are unaware of the evil that lurks beneath the surface of the beautiful game of NBA basketball.

It has been seven years since Howard Schultz, owner and CEO of Starbucks Coffee (not evil), sold his then-ownership (evil) of the legendary basketball team Seattle Supersonics to Oklahoma's Clay Bennet (very evil). The two men lied to the Seattle media about their intentions ("not") to move the team, all the while encouraged by then-NBA commissioner David Stern (most evil of all) to pack up the beloved team and ship them down to Oklahoma City to take on the new team name "Thunder."

During the years since, Seattle has had to go to court to make Oklahoma City return the 1979 Championship trophy. They have had to get another court injunction to keep the name "Sonics" in Seattle. And perhaps most galling of all, the greatest Sonic of all time, legendary point guard Gary Payton has had to turn down invitations from the evil impostors (OKC) to retire his jersey in a strange city where he never played. Payton (not fact a shining beacon of GOOD in this dark world) is to be commended for his loyalty to Seattle.

Perhaps a little perspective and background is in order.

The Chicago Bulls of the 1990's were evil. Yes, I am talking about Michael Jordan's 6-time winning Bulls.

By the way, the greatest player of all time has the initials MJ, but he is Magic Johnson, not Michael Jordan.

Anyway, Gary Payton, Shawn Kemp, Detlef Shrempf, Nate Macmillsn, and many other shining beacons of GOOD in the world, coached by the brilliant Geroge Karl, faced the Chicago Bulls in the 1996 NBA finals. People laughed. Most of the world was certain the Bulls would run all over the Sonics. What you don't know is the evil coach Phil Jackson performed several evil, satanic rituals, even sacrificing a wild marmot to the Prince Of Darkness, securing a devastating back injury to Nate Macmillan, thus ensuring that the evil Bulls would win a series that the Sonics WOULD have won, had there not been so much Satanic intervention.

I could go on. I could give you proof (secret photos of Phil Jackson performing ritual sacrifices to Satan, etc.) but I am a forward-looking person.

I have come to terms with my dissapointment in Howard Schultz. For a while after the sale I boycotted Schults' other business, Starbucks, but being addicted to coffee, I broke down, and finally decided I'll buy coffee from the guy. I just won't ever let him own a basketball team again.

I live in L.A. now, where I have been joking with Lakers fans for a few years, "What would you do if I decalred myself a Cippers fan?" Lakers fans laughed.

Secretly, I already was a Clippers fan. Once Chris Paul joined the team, I recognized a Gary-Payton-like talent. When Doc Rivers became coach, I was hooked. When that old racist moron was forced to sell the team to Steve Ballmer (who, being a former Microsoft CEO, has that much needed Seattle connection) I made the commitment. The Clippers are winning and the Lakers are on vacation.

The one thing missing from my basketball life?

The Sonics.

They will rise again. I have faith.

After writing this, I suppose I'll have to answer a lot of questions about calling certain people evil. I will just state once again, these are facts. I can't reveal my sources, but it is well known that Michael Jordan, Phil Jackson, Dasvid Stern, Clay Bennett, Howard Schultz, and whoever else I happen to dislike in the game of basketball, comprise a secret society where sacrifices are made, souls are bought and sold, and the forces of darkness are used to compromise all that is good and pure in basketball.

At least Gary Payton won his championship in Miami with Shaq and Dwayne Wade in 2006.

What's that you ask? Didn't Shaq play for the evil Phil Jackson during a 3-peat by the Lakers? Sure, but, you know, anyone who liked Gary Payton enough to want him as a teammate....can't be ALL evil, can he?

Hm? What's that? Hey, stop asking questions, and just accept what I say.
-Peter Wick
May 14, 2015