Report from Planet Earth
Prepared by: Zorbatron Mega; embedded galactic researcher.
(With a slight apology to Douglas Adams)
Greetings from the third planet in the Sol system. I hope everyone is doing well back home on the home Planet. I’ve been embedded here on this small planet for a ‘year,’ as they call each of their trips around their star. I have been collecting information that will help us decide whether we can destroy this planet, and run the Galactic Bypass through this solar system.
After a year of observation and study, I am happy to report that we can destroy Planet Earth without a moment of regret.
While it is true that the planet is inhabited by a species of walking bipeds, called “humans,” I have come to the conclusion that, while they are undeniably “life,” they do not reach the intergalactic standard that would label them “intelligent life.”
Having said that, let me make one thing clear; humans THINK they are intelligent. They can talk and communicate among themselves (although the female of the species seems to be in unanimous agreement that the male of the species does not communicate well at all).
They use soft-tissue in their cerebral cortex, fueled by water, electricity, and something called caffeine, to formulate ‘thoughts’ (I use the word loosely), and these thoughts prompt them to speak. I have spent much of this last year trying to decide which is worse, what they refer to as thoughts, or their desire to speak their thoughts out loud.
As a species, they are builders. Humans have over-run the planet to such a degree, that they have had to build large cities, where people squeeze in close to each other, in tall buildings. They have some degree of technology, but rather than using their technology to advance their intelligence, they just use their many devices to watch cute cat videos. Of the more than seven billion of them that exist, a small handful are smart enough to warn the rest that they are destroying their own planet. Often, though, these few smart ones are criticized for their ‘doom-saying.’
And yes, it is true, humans are already destroying their own planet without our help. This is a big reason why I feel comfortable saying we can finish the job for them, blow the planet up, and build the Galactic Bypass.
Because there are a small handful of humans who are less dumb than most, I suppose we should save a small sampling of the species. We could transport a few scientists, a couple teachers, a writer or two, a couple other artists, and what is known as a “Professional Athlete,” to our home planet, in order to salvage the best of the species. The rest are of little value. They are all politicians, TV commentators, business people, religious leaders, and dictators of small countries. No big loss. I think it is more than enough to save about ten of these humans. With a fresh start on a new planet, they may even develop into a new and better version of themselves. With the proper help and guidance, they may even, someday, achieve some small degree of actual intelligence. Hey, don’t laugh, anything is possible if you dream big.
So, let’s get started. I have ten humans selected for transportation already. Once they are on their new journey, we can blow planet Earth to smithereens, and build the Galactic Bypass.
Wonderful new days are ahead.
May 16, 2016