I keep trying to avoid politics, but we have entered the 2016 primary season, and politics dominates the conversation.
I have been giving it serious consideration, and would like to announce that I am throwing my hat into the political ring for the second time in my life.
The first time was in college, many years ago, and I ran for student council on a solemn promise that if elected I would immediately resign from office. The campaign was not my idea. It was my editor on the student paper who suggested I run. As reporters we had been writing about one student council member after another resigning from office. I can’t remember why, some silly college version of controversy surrounding these council members.
On top of that, new elections were coming up, and only five candidates were running for six council positions. We were reporting on it, and laughing throughout the newspaper office about the dysfunctional state of our college’s student government.
After agreeing to the preposterous candidacy, I had my picture taken and saw it run on the front page of the paper next to the headline, “Wick announces candidacy; if elected, promises to resign immediately.”
It was strictly a write-in campaign. We weren’t able to get my name onto the official ballot, but we figured that with only five candidates running, any write-ins for me, should actually get me elected, right? Then I would fulfill my promise to resign.
The elections came, and I was informed that I had received ten write-in votes. I won, right? With six positions open, and the five official candidates elected, I had received the next highest number of votes. I should be elected to the sixth council seat.
As it turns out, the college didn’t buy into the joke. I was never allowed to be sworn in as a student council member. I was never allowed to honor the votes of my ten loyal supporters. I was never allowed to fulfill my promise to resign immediately after being sworn in.
I hope to do better this time.
I am inspired by England’s “Monster Raving Looney Party.” This is a real party that has been around for 50 years in England. Their official websites simply lists their motto as, “Vote for insanity.” Sound advice, if you ask me.
So, I am declaring my candidacy for President, of the “Absurd Ideas Party.”
Our motto? “You’re voting for insanity anyway, just admit it and make it official.”
A few of our key platform policies:
-Rather than a standing army, we propose that all foreign enemies be dealt a harsh, biting, cutting dose of extreme sarcasm. We believe sarcasm is what has been missing from the foreign policy debate up to now. Taliban, Iran, ISIS, even some in Russia had better develop thick skin and fast, because we are going after your weakest defense; your sense of humor!
We do believe the wealthy should pay more, but they won’t have to do anything on their own. We intend to access their bank accounts and steal their money. That will be our new tax policy; steal from the rich. As for Robin Hood’s follow-up to that (giving to the poor) we’re thinking about it. We haven’t decided yet.
We at the Absurd Ideas Party will be releasing new policy statements on other issues of national and international irrelevance very soon. We are preparing a statement outlining our proposal to relocate all chinchillas to Lichtenstein. In the meantime, please remember that we can’t get onto any official ballots. So, again, this is strictly a write-in campaign.
See you at the ballot box.
February 15, 2016