Ten years after the fact, the CIA has declassified documents from the first years of the Bush-Cheney Administration.
While our researchers are still going through the many documents, looking for an actual news item, we came across these emails from the former Vice President, and found them interesting.
March 12, 2001
To All White House Staff: Whoever has been eating my Jolly Ranchers is going to die.
March 14, 2001
To All White House Staff: Listen clowns, you have to stop telling jokes in the hallways about my heart attacks. I am listening to everything!
In case you missed the earlier memo, we are calling them "Heart Attacks" so the public does not get confused. In fact what is happening is that my micro-cell power pack is running low. It makes me twitchy.
March 16, 2001
Attached is a list of staff members I would like to invite on my next hunting trip (Fun! Yeah!?)
[attachment missing from CIA files]
March 17, 2001
In Case of Emergency:
Hi everyone; my inventor - I mean "Doctor" - has informed me that I need to give all key staff members the following instructions, should I suffer a serious "heart attack" in your presence.
Since I do not technically have a "heart" in the strictest sense of the word, please do not panic. Simply follow these instructions, and everything will be fine.
1. At the top of my back, just below the neck, is a small panel. Press the red button, and a door will open on my chest.
2. Inside my chest you will find three plug-in jacks. Use a normal, everyday extension cord. Plug one end into a near-by wall socket, and attach the other end to the red jack in my chest.
Re-charging should take about an hour. Please do not make me do anyinterviews, or talk to the media, until fully charged.
April 7, 2001
To All White House Staff: Very Funny! Ha ha! Tee freakin' Hee!
Did I mention that I am listening to everything!?
So, Bob, David, Sam, Lisa, you are all going hunting with me next week.
Non-negotiabe. And you're going to enjoy it, whether you want to or not.
I'm excited! Getting twitchy just thinking about it.
February 14, 2012